(Take a long deep breath…)

(Sigh)

The story is long… And I think I need to go see a shrink (but don’t have money to pay.)
I decided to type my “pathetic” life long story once online.
Today, I can’t even decide it is genetic or forced precoutiousness…
I think I’m also genetically shy bc my mother said she had been extremely shy when she was young.
I was three (East-Asian), we moved to Uruguay, I spoke Mandarin at home, but the country used Spanish, and the kindergarten used English. I was the only Asian kid. I had what I later learned to be called social phobia. I wouldn’t make a sound even when the teacher asked me a question. I didn’t play with any kids, but simply observed them. I had been a loner since kindergarten. I didn’t dare eating in front of ppl. And never would ask the teacher “May I go to the bathroom, please?” Two yrs like that passed, we moved to Paraguay. I entered elementary school. I was 5 and 11 month. All my classmates were 1-2 yrs older than me, taller, more outgoing, and all westerners (with two Korean boys who were outgoing too, I was a girl from another country). Plus I was new. They known each other since kinder. The school used Spanish, I didn’t know a word at the start. But after I learned fast and could understand almost anything they say, and even when I could talk on and on with the maid that worked in my house, I still didn’t talk much with my peers or to the teacher. Somehow, I feel extremely uneasy away from my home, my house, my family… I still don’t know why today. I see my foreign classmates to be very different from me. I was extremely conscious of our differences, bc it’s always contradictoring to how my family is, and my family even give me the impression that I wasn’t supposed to feel that I belonged there, since soon we would move to the next country, my parents’ country, which I had no memory of, since I left at three.

At 9, I repatriated. Had severe culture shock. But I couldn’t express it, so the shock remained latent. I entered public school A, the kids called me “the new kid” or “the girl from abroad” and made fun of the name “Paraguay”. (Although they didn’t mean to, but they made me feel I was weird, although I couldn’t use words to describe my feelings bc I was too young.) I still didn’t know how to make friends with anyone. Sometimes the most friendly girl in every class would approach me, but that’s about it.

After one short semester, we moved again, to another part of the city, entered school B. I was only 9, or maybe I wasn’t that good with ppl so…
I was stupid to not knowing how to hide, cover my past. Everyone knew I had lived once abroad for a while. (Very very few kids from my country had experience living abroad as I did. I later learned that most haven’t even visited another country. I couldn’t believe them, since all the kids from my country that lived in Paraguay had lived in another country, Paraguay, where I met them. So I kind of thought that all kids from my country had lived abroad. This is the way a 9 yr old’s brain works. Don’t make fun of me.)

After another short semester, the grade rearanged classes again. In other words, in forth grade, you were in class A, in fifth grade, they may put you in class B, so with the other kids. So that you meet new ppl. (They don’t care you had been to enuf new classes in your life b4, since you’re an “minority”. Bc the local kids never moved around, never changed school, so they actually needed to not stay with the same class for six yrs.)

So, fifth grade! The very first time I wasn’t new to the school, and “not the only one new” to the class! Since everyone was! Yeay! I did make friends. Five of them. Two of them betrayed me. The best ones. It was one of my first friendships, and was broken, and wasn’t my fault. I never understood why. I took it hard bc other kids had friends since kinder, me? fifth grade, first time. That late… It was yrs…. later I asked one of them why? She didn’t want to answer me, but I made her finally, and she honestly said at the time she was kinda jealous of me. She named a couple of things she was jealous of me, I was shocked. I remember very well, one of the things was knowing Spanish. It’s extremely ironic bc the language barrier at the start was always sth that inhibited me to feel easy and made friends. And NOW, it is sth for someone to be jealous and stop talking to me, because they were jealous?

I always had severe sibling rivalry with my older brother, mainly bc my mother fluctuated her love and attention and praise between us, so that she would feel wanted. She always made us feel insecure. And today, I hate my mother.

She became very sick, with depression (my father made her sick but after all she blamed me, a 12 yr old, then later say she forget she
a 12 yr old, then later say she forget she had ever blamed me, but she DID. She’s the type of mother that could sacrifice the kids in order to be good with her husband. Yes, I hate her.), the yr I entered adolecense (sixth grade). I graduated from primary school. And in my country… you go to another school for Junior High.
A complete different system, 100 times more strict. Or for the age I was, 100 times, bc kids take things exagerated. I was unhappy. My peers always picked on someone to tease, maybe so that THEY wouldn’t get teased. I seriously don’t know. I only remember that they had cliques, and I found cliques to be stupid (maybe I was proud and thus not so gregarious).
So I refused to join any and prefered to stay alone. Barely talked to anyone anymore. The same I had been in Paraguay, yrs ago.

After a yr, we moved yet to a third expat country. And for the first time in my life, I entered an American school. I couldn’t adapt at first. It was very bad. This country also used
So I refused to join any and prefered to stay alone. Barely talked to anyone anymore. The same I had been in Paraguay, yrs ago.
What if I’d already prayed, and ppl came into my life already, and all ended up badly?

And if… we were to meet in real life, and become friends… maybe our friendship couldn’t last either.

I know, I know… then why I asked the question at the beginning right?
Thanks for your replies…

I’d been playing the victim for all my life.
Even though… I know it’s not very likeable to play the victim always… but… somehow… I just think… but what if I truly had been the victim in too many cases. And what if it is truly bad luck?

Even though I know ppl get crab too in their life.. but, to be honest, I think I get a bit more than the average… I’m so bitter. Is this being self-absorbed?

(Take a long deep breath…)

(Sigh)

The story is long… And I think I need to go see a shrink (but don’t have money to pay.)
I decided to type my “pathetic” life long story once online.
Today, I can’t even decide it is genetic or forced precoutiousness…
I think I’m also genetically shy bc my mother said she had been extremely shy when she was young.
I was three (East-Asian), we moved to Uruguay, I spoke Mandarin at home, but the country used Spanish, and the kindergarten used English. I was the only Asian kid. I had what I later learned to be called social phobia. I wouldn’t make a sound even when the teacher asked me a question. I didn’t play with any kids, but simply observed them. I had been a loner since kindergarten. I didn’t dare eating in front of ppl. And never would ask the teacher “May I go to the bathroom, please?” Two yrs like that passed, we moved to Paraguay. I entered elementary school. I was 5 and 11 month. All my classmates were 1-2 yrs older than me, taller, more outgoing, and all westerners (with two Korean boys who were outgoing too, I was a girl from another country). Plus I was new. They known each other since kinder. The school used Spanish, I didn’t know a word at the start. But after I learned fast and could understand almost anything they say, and even when I could talk on and on with the maid that worked in my house, I still didn’t talk much with my peers or to the teacher. Somehow, I feel extremely uneasy away from my home, my house, my family… I still don’t know why today. I see my foreign classmates to be very different from me. I was extremely conscious of our differences, bc it’s always contradictoring to how my family is, and my family even give me the impression that I wasn’t supposed to feel that I belonged there, since soon we would move to the next country, my parents’ country, which I had no memory of, since I left at three.

At 9, I repatriated. Had severe culture shock. But I couldn’t express it, so the shock remained latent. I entered public school A, the kids called me “the new kid” or “the girl from abroad” and made fun of the name “Paraguay”. (Although they didn’t mean to, but they made me feel I was weird, although I couldn’t use words to describe my feelings bc I was too young.) I still didn’t know how to make friends with anyone. Sometimes the most friendly girl in every class would approach me, but that’s about it.

After one short semester, we moved again, to another part of the city, entered school B. I was only 9, or maybe I wasn’t that good with ppl so…
I was stupid to not knowing how to hide, cover my past. Everyone knew I had lived once abroad for a while. (Very very few kids from my country had experience living abroad as I did. I later learned that most haven’t even visited another country. I couldn’t believe them, since all the kids from my country that lived in Paraguay had lived in another country, Paraguay, where I met them. So I kind of thought that all kids from my country had lived abroad. This is the way a 9 yr old’s brain works. Don’t make fun of me.)

After another short semester, the grade rearanged classes again. In other words, in forth grade, you were in class A, in fifth grade, they may put you in class B, so with the other kids. So that you meet new ppl. (They don’t care you had been to enuf new classes in your life b4, since you’re an “minority”. Bc the local kids never moved around, never changed school, so they actually needed to not stay with the same class for six yrs.)

So, fifth grade! The very first time I wasn’t new to the school, and “not the only one new” to the class! Since everyone was! Yeay! I did make friends. Five of them. Two of them betrayed me. The best ones. It was one of my first friendships, and was broken, and wasn’t my fault. I never understood why. I took it hard bc other kids had friends since kinder, me? fifth grade, first time. That late… It was yrs…. later I asked one of them why? She didn’t want to answer me, but I made her finally, and she honestly said at the time she was kinda jealous of me. She named a couple of things she was jealous of me, I was shocked. I remember very well, one of the things was knowing Spanish. It’s extremely ironic bc the language barrier at the start was always sth that inhibited me to feel easy and made friends. And NOW, it is sth for someone to be jealous and stop talking to me, because they were jealous?

I always had severe sibling rivalry with my older brother, mainly bc my mother fluctuated her love and attention and praise between us, so that she would feel wanted. She always made us feel insecure. And today, I hate my mother.

She became very sick, with depression (my father made her sick but after all she blamed me, a 12 yr old, then later say she forget she
a 12 yr old, then later say she forget she had ever blamed me, but she DID. She’s the type of mother that could sacrifice the kids in order to be good with her husband. Yes, I hate her.), the yr I entered adolecense (sixth grade). I graduated from primary school. And in my country… you go to another school for Junior High.
A complete different system, 100 times more strict. Or for the age I was, 100 times, bc kids take things exagerated. I was unhappy. My peers always picked on someone to tease, maybe so that THEY wouldn’t get teased. I seriously don’t know. I only remember that they had cliques, and I found cliques to be stupid (maybe I was proud and thus not so gregarious).
So I refused to join any and prefered to stay alone. Barely talked to anyone anymore. The same I had been in Paraguay, yrs ago.

After a yr, we moved yet to a third expat country. And for the first time in my life, I entered an American school. I couldn’t adapt at first. It was very bad. This country also used
So I refused to join any and prefered to stay alone. Barely talked to anyone anymore. The same I had been in Paraguay, yrs ago.
What if I’d already prayed, and ppl came into my life already, and all ended up badly?

And if… we were to meet in real life, and become friends… maybe our friendship couldn’t last either.

I know, I know… then why I asked the question at the beginning right?
Thanks for your replies…

I’d been playing the victim for all my life.
Even though… I know it’s not very likeable to play the victim always… but… somehow… I just think… but what if I truly had been the victim in too many cases. And what if it is truly bad luck?

Even though I know ppl get crab too in their life.. but, to be honest, I think I get a bit more than the average… I’m so bitter. Is this being self-absorbed?

(Take a long deep breath…)

(Sigh)

The story is long… And I think I need to go see a shrink (but don’t have money to pay.)
I decided to type my “pathetic” life long story once online.
Today, I can’t even decide it is genetic or forced precoutiousness…
I think I’m also genetically shy bc my mother said she had been extremely shy when she was young.
I was three (East-Asian), we moved to Uruguay, I spoke Mandarin at home, but the country used Spanish, and the kindergarten used English. I was the only Asian kid. I had what I later learned to be called social phobia. I wouldn’t make a sound even when the teacher asked me a question. I didn’t play with any kids, but simply observed them. I had been a loner since kindergarten. I didn’t dare eating in front of ppl. And never would ask the teacher “May I go to the bathroom, please?” Two yrs like that passed, we moved to Paraguay. I entered elementary school. I was 5 and 11 month. All my classmates were 1-2 yrs older than me, taller, more outgoing, and all westerners (with two Korean boys who were outgoing too, I was a girl from another country). Plus I was new. They known each other since kinder. The school used Spanish, I didn’t know a word at the start. But after I learned fast and could understand almost anything they say, and even when I could talk on and on with the maid that worked in my house, I still didn’t talk much with my peers or to the teacher. Somehow, I feel extremely uneasy away from my home, my house, my family… I still don’t know why today. I see my foreign classmates to be very different from me. I was extremely conscious of our differences, bc it’s always contradictoring to how my family is, and my family even give me the impression that I wasn’t supposed to feel that I belonged there, since soon we would move to the next country, my parents’ country, which I had no memory of, since I left at three.

At 9, I repatriated. Had severe culture shock. But I couldn’t express it, so the shock remained latent. I entered public school A, the kids called me “the new kid” or “the girl from abroad” and made fun of the name “Paraguay”. (Although they didn’t mean to, but they made me feel I was weird, although I couldn’t use words to describe my feelings bc I was too young.) I still didn’t know how to make friends with anyone. Sometimes the most friendly girl in every class would approach me, but that’s about it.

After one short semester, we moved again, to another part of the city, entered school B. I was only 9, or maybe I wasn’t that good with ppl so…
I was stupid to not knowing how to hide, cover my past. Everyone knew I had lived once abroad for a while. (Very very few kids from my country had experience living abroad as I did. I later learned that most haven’t even visited another country. I couldn’t believe them, since all the kids from my country that lived in Paraguay had lived in another country, Paraguay, where I met them. So I kind of thought that all kids from my country had lived abroad. This is the way a 9 yr old’s brain works. Don’t make fun of me.)

After another short semester, the grade rearanged classes again. In other words, in forth grade, you were in class A, in fifth grade, they may put you in class B, so with the other kids. So that you meet new ppl. (They don’t care you had been to enuf new classes in your life b4, since you’re an “minority”. Bc the local kids never moved around, never changed school, so they actually needed to not stay with the same class for six yrs.)

So, fifth grade! The very first time I wasn’t new to the school, and “not the only one new” to the class! Since everyone was! Yeay! I did make friends. Five of them. Two of them betrayed me. The best ones. It was one of my first friendships, and was broken, and wasn’t my fault. I never understood why. I took it hard bc other kids had friends since kinder, me? fifth grade, first time. That late… It was yrs…. later I asked one of them why? She didn’t want to answer me, but I made her finally, and she honestly said at the time she was kinda jealous of me. She named a couple of things she was jealous of me, I was shocked. I remember very well, one of the things was knowing Spanish. It’s extremely ironic bc the language barrier at the start was always sth that inhibited me to feel easy and made friends. And NOW, it is sth for someone to be jealous and stop talking to me, because they were jealous?

I always had severe sibling rivalry with my older brother, mainly bc my mother fluctuated her love and attention and praise between us, so that she would feel wanted. She always made us feel insecure. And today, I hate my mother.

She became very sick, with depression (my father made her sick but after all she blamed me, a 12 yr old, then later say she forget she
a 12 yr old, then later say she forget she had ever blamed me, but she DID. She’s the type of mother that could sacrifice the kids in order to be good with her husband. Yes, I hate her.), the yr I entered adolecense (sixth grade). I graduated from primary school. And in my country… you go to another school for Junior High.
A complete different system, 100 times more strict. Or for the age I was, 100 times, bc kids take things exagerated. I was unhappy. My peers always picked on someone to tease, maybe so that THEY wouldn’t get teased. I seriously don’t know. I only remember that they had cliques, and I found cliques to be stupid (maybe I was proud and thus not so gregarious).
So I refused to join any and prefered to stay alone. Barely talked to anyone anymore. The same I had been in Paraguay, yrs ago.

After a yr, we moved yet to a third expat country. And for the first time in my life, I entered an American school. I couldn’t adapt at first. It was very bad. This country also used
So I refused to join any and prefered to stay alone. Barely talked to anyone anymore. The same I had been in Paraguay, yrs ago.
What if I’d already prayed, and ppl came into my life already, and all ended up badly?

And if… we were to meet in real life, and become friends… maybe our friendship couldn’t last either.

I know, I know… then why I asked the question at the beginning right?
Thanks for your replies…

I’d been playing the victim for all my life.
Even though… I know it’s not very likeable to play the victim always… but… somehow… I just think… but what if I truly had been the victim in too many cases. And what if it is truly bad luck?

Even though I know ppl get crab too in their life.. but, to be honest, I think I get a bit more than the average… I’m so bitter. Is this being self-absorbed?